The past few months have felt a bit like a roller coaster ride. There have been some amazingly fun thrill seeking parts, but there have also been some gut wrenching points where I have felt like I was going to just pass out and not make it. It’s fair to say I have experienced all of the extremes of every emotion possible over the past few months. My life has gone from mapped out to completely being taken one day at a time. At first I was bothered by the lack of control, but now I am more confident and okay with it than I have ever been. Most of the people in my life have really wanted to know what’s going on, and I haven’t really disclosed too much, simply out of respect for my own emotions, mental state, the other person involved, and our growth through this time. I know a lot of people have wanted the details but I had to wait until I was ready and lucky for you, now I am.
Now before you go getting all in a tizzy and worried about my mental state… I did not go through this whole crazy process completely by myself. Let me back track and give you a bit of the story. So those of you that don’t know, I was in the process of planning a wedding with my super amazing fiancé. We have been together for what I consider two of the best years of my life. Yes, there were life ups and downs but despite it all we always remained solid. Not much could ever really come between us and most of the people around us described our relationship as #goals. While that was great there was always a part of our relationship that we didn’t talk about too much. Jesus. We met in church and always agreed to seek out Jesus in our relationship. Now I know that can seem regular or not worth mentioning, but it comes as a shock to some people because I was engaged to a woman. Somehow people believe you can’t still have a relationship with Jesus and be in a same sex relationship. This doesn’t mean that we are magically not attracted to each other anymore now that we aren’t together, but I’ll leave that alone… for now. Stay tuned for the series on that coming soon. We always prayed, talked to Jesus, and even pointed each other to Him in times of trial and in times of celebration in our life. As much as we love the Lord we definitely avoided listening too deeply when it came to certain things. One day we were on a walk in our neighborhood and we had been walking and talking for about 2 hours, and we came to the conclusion together that we really love each other. I mean, really really love each other. We love each other enough to let one another go. We both felt the Lord pulling us to these paths and these plans that He had for us, but these paths ran parallel, not on top of one another. While we would have loved to keep going on this fun path we were on, where undeniably things were great, we chose to really trust God’s plans for us and do life as best friends apart from being romantically involved. If all that confused you I’ll make it plain. We decided that we were going to break up and trust the plans and paths our lives were headed down.
I know some of you may read that and think that it’s just a bunch of foolishness and think we are silly to walk away from something so seemingly perfect, and you’re right. It is crazy. What we decided to do, was and is crazy. For about 4 weeks after we decided this, I cried on and off everyday. I thought this was insane, and questioned my sanity regularly. Then I would remind myself what I promised myself and what Jesus promised me. EVERY DAY. Hear me when I say this, it was HARD. Everyday I had to say yes again to the Lord. Everyday I had to tell myself that I may be walking away from something great, but I am trusting the Lord’s promise to me that what He has is even greater. In this time I have made huge steps spiritually and have really been able to hear the Lord clearly as He speaks to me. I have been able to trust His promises and feel His comfort. In this time I met someone who I can truly say is growing into one of the most supportive and caring friends in my life. I knew that had to be God’s doing because I was far from available to allow new people in. She has guided me spiritually and emotionally. She has allowed me to be raw and vulnerable. I could call her and say I think all of this is too much and I can’t handle it and be a puddle of tears. For all of my fellow Christian friends before you freak out, she is pastor and doctoral student (something fancy that I don’t remember, just know it is applicable lol) who is beyond qualified to be a spiritual counselor. So don’t worry, you don’t have to be concerned there. For my non-Christian friends, no we didn’t just suddenly abandon everything in the world. Not only have I been walking this out with her, Cleanne has been the best support system just as she was as my fiancé and partner. Anything I want to try, any spiritual step I want to take, any new venture I want to explore, she is right there to cheer me on. In this time we realized that the Lord let us go through the relationship with each other for very specific reasons. We learned so many things, experienced so many things, and grew in more ways than we could have every imagined. Everything happened specifically to get us to this exact place we are in life right now. We met so many people and have been loved and supported by so many. You guys who have been there since day one are half of the reason we had the confidence to even step out on faith. We are both more confident and empowered than ever before. We have a friendship rooted in more than a romantic past. I am so #teamcle and she is so #teamjahara it’s crazy. We want the other to excel in life so much that if we are hindering each other’s growth, then we are willing to step aside so the other can soar.
Please don’t be mistaken. We support each other’s growth and success fully, but we still had to mourn the end of what was our fairytale. We had to go through a period of sadness and missing the other. We had to separate and experience what it’s like to not depend on the other for everything. We even had to go through what it felt like to not wake up next to each other, not go to bed with each other right there. Was it easy? HECK NO. Was it always pretty? ABSOLUTELY not. Anyone who has ever seen me cry knows it was far from pretty. So before you get all upset that we didn’t sit down and tell everyone close to us one at a time, understand that for a while we needed to deal with this in our own way. We had each other, we had maybe 1 or 2 people each that we really leaned on, but in all honesty a lot of time was spent just with Jesus and praying and finding comfort in Him. That was the whole purpose of this, was to get closer to Him and really figure out what His plan for our lives is. Are we perfect, not at all. We don’t have all the answers that some people think we should. We don’t suddenly denounce a community that we love and connect with. We are the same fun loving, accepting and caring people we were before. If anything we are just growing into even better versions of ourselves. Some days are still hard. If I look at pictures of me in my wedding dress that I picked out (check it out, it’s attached to this post), or go through the details in my wedding planner, or I look at our pictures of us together for too long, almost instantly the water works are in full effect. But I feel strong, I feel empowered, I feel proud of myself. We made decisions for ourselves that we feel is best for us and for our lives. We didn’t consider others, we didn’t choose things based on how everyone else will feel, we just whole-heartedly did what we felt was absolute best for ourselves... we chose God. We love each other very much and are still really good friends. We hang out, we have a strong community that we hope continue to support us through this next season of life and we are already thriving. Cle is entering another year of school, and for those that didn’t read my last post, I am going back to school and my business is steadily growing. I know a lot of you were looking forward to a really fun wedding, but just as you were excited for that next chapter, you can be excited for this rerouted path. We are anxiously waiting to see what’s next for us and can’t wait to share it with all of you. Thanks to those who have been supporting us up until this point and we hope to see you all in this next season of life.