This season of my life has been absolutely insane. In good ways and bad. I experienced emotions and feelings I never thought I ever would. I did not have a framework and background on how to process any of them. I went through what felt like the most emotionally suffocating time Ive ever dealt with. I felt hurt and betrayed by people and situations that I never thought I would feel these things towards. Every insecurity I probably have ever felt, arose at once. I felt rejected, uncared for, abandoned, left alone, judged, mistreated, disrespected, and the list goes on. What is even worst is that even with a new perspective on the situations I still felt some of those things. I prayed and was begging God to remove these people and these feelings. I wanted no part of it. I was honestly hoping either they would go away, or I would. I really wanted it to just stop. I felt like I was drowning in these feelings that were CONSTANTLY plaguing me. I kept praying and the Lord wasn't ignoring me, but He kept telling me that what I was asking for, wasn't the issue. I didn't understand why asking the source of my emotional distress to be removed wasn't the problem. I was stuck confused and frustrated that this disaster wasn't ending. It finally connected for me that I didn't need to ask for God to remove the people, or me, or the circumstance. It wasn't that simple because sometimes I can't just go away from whats bothering me. Sometimes running away, or wanting out of my circumstances isn't what God wants for me. Maybe there's something that the Lord is trying to teach me through the crappy situations. Maybe in that place where everything feels hurtful and painful, He wanted to teach me to rely on Him and not my emotions. Possibly in the midst of the mess, He wanted to teach me that despite feeling hopeless, I can find hope in Him. When I felt like the people around me didn't see me, He saw me. More importantly I was asking for other people to change, when maybe I just needed to let some stuff go so that I could stop caring. That really hit home for me. Could it be that I am holding on to things that the Lord would like for me to let go of so that these circumstances, these people wouldn't bother me. It doesn't mean that they necessarily will do anything differently, but I wouldn't feel so connected to their actions. I wouldn't feel so triggered because I wouldn't care. Hmmm. I had to really sit on that and think about it. As annoyed as I was, irritated as I was, hurt as I was, even as angry as I was, I couldn't change other people. At all. I couldn't make anyone behave the way I wanted, or felt they should. I couldn't make other people interact and engage the way I wanted. That's not how life works. So maybe rather than praying that God remove them, I needed to pray for God to change my heart. I needed to pray that He could show me how I could be better in the situation. So I did. I switched my prayers from God get rid of them to God just give me patience and understanding. God help me to not care, no matter what it looks like. Lord help me to not even want to care about what someone else is doing. Lord give me the strength to be so confident in myself that someone else's presence doesn't threaten me. God help me to just be independently free to live MY life unashamed and uninhibited by others. My prayers changed and my moods changed. I wasn't so angry all the time, I wasn't so triggered all the time. I am without a doubt still a work in progress in this area. Specifically in those situations, I am still in them and I still have to fight those insecurities and those desires to be angry, upset, and hurt. Sometimes I feel super triggered, and then I remember what I promised myself, what I promised the Lord. I will not give into the temptations. It's easy to be triggered, but it takes strength to push past that. It takes me relying on the Lord to not be affected and thats the path I want to take. Im not 100% there yet but everyday that I chose to press into Him instead of my own desires, is another day closer to overcoming this emotional battle. I am human, and sometimes I really don't do well at practicing this. I don't always choose to not give in. Some days, some moments my feelings win. And it sucks, It sucks because when my emotions win, I usually have to go back and apologize for something I said that was emotion led. So my goal is to get to the place of always being able to check myself. I would love to get to a place of always looking at how to fix me instead of wanting to fix others. One day at a time, one prayer at a time, even one circumstance at a time. I am progressing and getting closer to living and responding in a more Christ Like way.