A few days ago I had a very monumental "come to Jesus" moment. Last week was a very stressful week and a HUGE test of my faith. I heard Jesus very clearly. He was telling me that I have had a control issue my entire life and He has always been asking me to release some of that control and trust Him. I would let go for a little while and then grab the reigns tighter than before. Well you know how they always say if Jesus wants your attention he will get it? LET ME TELL YOU ... He got it. Long story short I found myself in a situation that stripped me of being able to exercise any possible control. My options were to get extremely humble and transparent or to not make it. I struggled so much at first and then I realized i had no choice. Sometimes life does that to you. It strips you of all your options and requires you to get in tune with the parts of yourself that need your attention. I surrendered my ability to plan and take charge and literally went into each and every day with the most blind faith possible. Everyday someone new would ask, just casually, how is your day or how are you, and I literally had no answer. I wasn't sure because I was living one step at a time for the first time. Even when I don't have a full plan I usually have at least 85% figured out to a T. Last week I had maybe 30% until Saturday.
That was one of the scariest and most vulnerable places I have ever been in. However, while it was emotionally taxing I learned so much about myself and my ability and my strength. After what I would define as the week from hell, I was sitting in my bed and thinking. (it was really quiet and everyone was asleep, even the cat, I had no choice but to think) I started writing a letter to Cle. As I was writing I told myself, "Don't stop writing until you have covered every uncomfortable topic that is on your mind right now." 6 pages later I was in tears and the sun was rising. I realized I had opened a can of worms that were definitely not going to fit back in the jar. I wrote in the letter that now is the time. Now at 23 years old I want to tackle EVERYTHING. I want to dive in and experience every emotion, every memory, every feeling that I possibly can so that absolutely nothing is holding me back.
I worked so hard in life to get to where I am. Even just being in a place of recognizing where I am severely broken and being able to say it out loud and even touch on it is monumental growth for myself. I am ready to tackle this. I am terrified to tackle this, because it means raw, painful, hurtful memories will be rehashed, harsh truths will be stated and deep realizations will be made. Some of the topics I am diving into involve false self identifying, failure labeling, perfectionism, unattainable expectations, self hate, and more. This journey is very raw. One of my biggest issues is my desire to be transparent. It allows others to see your dirtiness and I do not like to be in that space. Most of us don't. I do everything to not be transparent if it is not ABSOLUTELY necessary. The problem with that is, it's EXHAUSTING. I have to always be "on" and put together, I don't handle curve balls well because they don't give me time to plan my game face. That causes stress because I am trying to throw it together as quick as possible for fear of someone seeing the incomplete me. Stress causes discomfort and health issues. That causes more stress and it's a downward spiral. I made the decision and commitment that I don't want that spiral to be apart of my life. I want pure blissful positivity and I know in order to achieve that, I've got to do some work. I am ready to roll my sleeves up and get into it.
I'm deeming this my official day 1, and the prep work I did to get here has already resulted in many tears so I can only imagine what is to come. I named my journey HUMBLE TRANSPARENCY because that is a summation of my biggest fears. Being transparent requires you to need people, which requires humility. It requires honesty with others but really with yourself. No cutting corners, no sugar coating. Despite my fears of raw emotional experiences I am so excited. I know the story that will be written through this will be so beautiful and powerful. That is motivation through the tears. I also have a community around me that will be able to help pick me up when I fall.
DAY 1: HOW DID WE GET HERE? IS IT WORTH IT? I chose we instead of I because this is a journey I am including my readers in this as well as anyone who wants to achieve their own enlightenment
TODAY I AFFIRM: I am allowed to let go, healing happens, and boundaries are healthy and necessary.
ALEX ELLE INSPIRATION: I chose Alex Elle for my quote inspiration because she has been on a similar journey and achieved a very beautiful self awareness and world awareness. She is very transparent in her struggles and her past as well as her day to day even in this enlightened state that she is in. Her words resonate with me and I feel very connected to her words.
"I believe in growth, the kind that hurts and the kind that heals." (this is my journey's mantra)
"Wholeness comes from brokenness."
"Always remember, you can find your way back to yourself."
"You don't need them to love you, for you to love you."
"Self- forgiveness isn't only a brave act, but a necessary one."
I AM DESERVING OF LOVE BECAUSE: I am selfless and love others with all that I have, and am worthy of receiving that in return.
TODAY I AM FOCUSING ON: breathing techniques prior to and during anxiety attacks, focusing during meditation, eating two full meals a day.
TODAY I AM AFRAID: that my anxiety will get the best of me
I PLAN TO COMBAT MY FEAR BY: taking a step back and reminding myself, "it's okay"
This is my day 1 journey. I look froward to each day and being super honest with you guys. I feel good about today. I definitely have cried quite a bit today already and it is currently 5:45 am and I have not slept yet nor did I sleep yesterday however I did fit in a 2 hour nap before work. Progress? I think so! Check back in tomorrow to see how today went and my plans for Day2. Love you guys.