The Sunkissed Life

STILL FEELING TRANSPARENT?

Jahara Stevenson

Well... I tasked myself with blogging every day... as you know that was an EPIC fail. However, that was a fail that made me feel really upset with myself. Blogging in general has been somewhat of a fail in some sense for me the past year and sometimes I find that to be very discouraging. For those that don't know, my very first website was solely a blog. I was so excited that I actively was writing 2-3 times a week. As my business expanded and became more of a brand and less of a just a blog I found myself drifting away from the writing part of my website. At one point I considered having my assistant write my posts based on notes from me. I bullet a lot of things I want to make posts about in my phone as they come to me and then I sit down with them and compile it all into somewhat of a functional post. (I did not pre-plan this one so bear with me) My lack of time to sit down and focus on writing has been hard for me because in my mind it represents me drifting away from my roots and losing focus. Obviously I realize that is slightly dramatic and probably way deeper than necessary. In reality I have just been insanely busy.

I wanted to work more, and I got exactly what I wished for. I nanny for 3 families during the week, attempt to keep my house running smoothly, eat healthy, run my business, fulfill orders, love my cat, be a good fiance, and make time for myself and my friends. Since I began this journey, I feel like I failed in a lot of my personal goals simply because I didn't make time for them. I didn't make time to write, or just play with new lettering tools and techniques, doing yoga, or even just spoiling myself a little. I have to refocus and make myself just as much of a priority as I do everything else in my life. Everyone around me and in my circle is so important to me that I need to be my best self in order to be the best for everyone else. While it was getting to me that I had "failed" in my self care goals, I realized the greatest part about this whole journey is that, it's personal. Which means I can EASILY just start over because there are no rules.

There is no right and wrong way to do this as long as I am being honest with myself, then I am accomplishing what I set out to do. I wanted to heighten my self awareness and know when I am not taking care of myself and be able to recognize the toxic behaviors and mindsets that I may have. I have found some calming mechanisms to cut back on my anxiety outbreaks and it has been so relaxing and freeing to not feel enslaved by my anxiety. It has only been a month but I have had significantly less attacks that have been debilitating and that is a huge accomplishment for myself. While I still have unhealthy thoughts in regards to my body and my relationship with food, I have been able to recognize the thoughts when they happen and then override them with positive and healthy thoughts rather than acting on the negativity. I'm far from "healed" and have a ton of work to do, but I feel good. I feel progress happening in my life and even on my dark days, that makes me hopeful for a time when I have nothing but sunny days.